grace is alive and well

 

this morning i needed God's help in a special way.

i had been praying about this for a while, but it has been surprisingly difficult to pray for this specific thing. this has been one of those things that you pray to God and then run and do your part, like most things we pray for. however, every time i prayed for this i felt guilty, because i felt like i was keeping up my part of the bargain. i did not feel like i was doing my part, I was not working hard enough, i was letting other things take precedence. as i would pray i would remember the times i wasted time, and how i did not deserve to have my prayer answered. i did not deserve what i was asking for and how dare i ask God for something when my life is so full of faults. i really felt like there was an enormous list of things i needed to take care of before daring to come before God to ask for anything. but i continued to pray, begging God to have mercy and help me even though i did not deserve His help. i asked Him to help me in the areas of my life that needed work, a list that seems to be continually growing, and begged Him to not give up on me.

this morning i barely had the courage to pray to God, since yesterday seemed especially disastrous, at least when the actual day is compared to my initial plans for it. but i did pray to God, feeling unworthy, feeling guilty for my misuse of time and resources He had given me, feeling like a failure, i came before the throne of our awesome God in prayer, and begged for His help and mercy.

and God came through! i did not expect it and figured i deserved to not have my prayer answered and i needed to learn that lesson, and maybe that would teach me to be more faithful in more areas of my life. but God blessed me with i needed. i did not deserve it, but God blessed me. have come home victorious, though i deserved defeat. why did God bless me? how much does he love me? a lot more than i deserve. i am so glad i prayed, and when all my faults flooded my mind, i placed them at the Savior's feet and asked for help with them as well.

now i feel even more motivated to live a better life, to be more faithful and to continue to grow, because God deserves my best. not out of fear for punishment, but as a reaction to His unfailing love and His mercy. praise God for His love and mercy.

btw- this is the second time this has happened (in this manner) since i have began my graduate studies, and i praise God for it and try to be even more faithful to Him every time, rather than to slack off because of my "faith" that God will bless me. it is true that God blesses me when i do not deserve it, but it only makes me want to try even harder to be faithful to my loving Father.